When someone you care about is experiencing abuse, whether emotional, physical, financial, or coercive control, it can be hard to know what to do or say. You may worry about saying the wrong thing, pushing too hard, or not doing enough. But your support matters. In fact, knowing they’re not alone can be life-changing.
As part of the #ICareAboutConflict campaign, we’re shining a light on the hidden dynamics of abusive relationships – especially during separation and divorce, when the risks often escalate. Here’s how you can offer safe, meaningful support:
Listen without judgement
Start by simply being present. Let them speak, or sit in silence if that’s what they need. Avoid trying to solve everything or asking: “Why don’t you just leave?” These questions can unintentionally reinforce the shame or fear they’re already feeling.
Try to resist passing judgement or jumping on the “hate train” – try to focus on your friend, how they are feeling and providing a safe space for them to express themselves. Validation is powerful.
Instead, you could say:
Believe them – unequivocally
As Dean Cooper, Acting Director of White Ribbon Australia explains in our podcast Domestic and Family Violence in Separation, as humans we have a tendency to want to push someone through discomfort. Not just because we don’t want them to feel that discomfort, but because it makes us feel uncomfortable too.
So when someone tells us they feel unsafe, you might want to reassure them that maybe that person was having a bad day, or maybe they misunderstood. The problem is that this kind of response unintentionally tells your friend that you don’t believe them, that they must have it wrong. In the same way that we may try to find a silver lining, with comments such as: “but he’s such a good dad”.
Dean clarifies: “Woman abuse is child abuse. Children don’t just witness family violence (and abuse). They experience it. It’s encoded in their nervous system. They might not see it, or they might be in another room, but they’re these perfect little emotional barometers that pick up on that, so they absolutely experience it. So this idea that they can somehow be a good parent while perpetrating abuse in a relationship is really flawed. It’s important that we challenge those notions.”
“What we want to do is unequivocally believe. We don’t judge and we don’t tell people what to do.”
Dean suggested that you can support someone through domestic and family violence with two phrases: “Tell me more” and “how did that affect you?”
He explains: “With this approach we can apply a lot of first aid to someone’s hurt and validate their experience. And that validation might just be the jumping board to making a decision to leave.”
Understand that abuse isn’t always physical
Abuse can take many forms: Emotional manipulation, isolating behaviour, controlling finances, or using children as leverage. These are all real and harmful.
Your friend might not call it “abuse” yet. It’s not your role to label it for them. Give them time. Just naming behaviours such as: “That sounds really controlling” or “It’s not okay that they check your messages” can gently help them recognise patterns.
Help them connect with professional support
It’s important not to take on the role of counsellor or mediator. Instead, guide them towards these trained professionals who can support them in navigating abuse and separation safely.
You could say:
At The Separation Guide, our Separation Consultants speak to people everyday, some who understand the abusive situation they are in and others who are not ready for those labels or need support understanding their partner’s negative behaviour.
If you have a friend in need, a meeting with a Separation Consultant could be a great first step to helping them feel that they have a support network around them during this difficult time.
Respect their timing and autonomy
Leaving an abusive relationship is often dangerous. It may take multiple attempts, and will require time and planning. Your role is to keep the door open, not push it open for them.
Let them lead. Reassure them that no matter what they decide, you’ll be there. Nobody can truly understand the situation but your friend themself – and they are the best measure of their own safety. Encourage your friend to listen to their gut instinct and assure them that no matter what action they take – or don’t take – you are there.
Avoid becoming frustrated with them. You might feel that you can see the path they need to take clearly but as our Lead Separation Consultant Arabella says: “It is never as simple as just leaving.”
If you feel yourself becoming frustrated, make sure you are looking after yourself as well and recognise when your friend might need more than you can offer right now.
Check in gently and often
Sometimes people in abusive relationships become isolated. Don’t assume silence means everything’s fine.
Keep the connection alive with small check-ins that could sound like:
Know when to get help
If you believe someone is in immediate danger, call 000. It’s okay to be unsure – trust your instincts, and err on the side of safety.
You don’t need to have all the answers
Supporting a friend through an abusive separation can feel overwhelming. But you don’t have to be an expert – you just have to show up, consistently and compassionately.
Because how we respond can make all the difference and how we care in times of conflict shapes outcomes and saves lives.
That’s why we launched the #ICareAboutConflict campaign. It’s time to change how we separate and how we show up for one another when it matters most.
Need Support?
Start here:
1800RESPECT – 24/7 counselling and support: 1800respect.org.au
The Separation Guide support team provides confidential guidance and connection to trusted professionals. Book a support call now.
Book a confidential consultation
The Separation Guide aims to reduce the cost, conflict and confusion of separation and divorce. To learn more about how one of our Network Members could support your separation, take our free three-minute Q&A.
Disclaimer
The information in our resources is general only. Consider getting in touch with a professional advisor if you need legal, financial or wellbeing support.
