When we think of domestic abuse, we often picture physical violence. But some of the most damaging forms of abuse leave no bruises. Coercive control is one of them and it’s increasingly being recognised for the serious, often life-threatening harm it can cause.
In Queensland, coercive control has now been made a criminal offence (as of 26 May 2025), joining New South Wales in recognising this pattern of behaviour as a core form of family violence.
But for many people going through separation, the signs of coercive control can be hard to identify, especially when there’s no physical violence involved.
What is coercive control?
Coercive control is a pattern of controlling behaviours that can include:
- Isolation from family and friends.
- Monitoring your movements, communication or spending.
- Gaslighting or emotional manipulation.
- Controlling access to money or information.
- Threats (including threats to take the children, self-harm, or ruin you financially).
- Constant criticism or degradation.
- Making you feel unsafe, even without raising a hand.
It’s about one person maintaining power and control over another — often subtly, and over time. And it’s particularly dangerous because it can escalate rapidly during periods of stress, like separation.
Why coercive control is so dangerous in separation
Separation doesn’t always end the abuse – in fact, it can make it worse. Research shows that the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when a victim survivor tries to leave.
In our recent podcast with Dean Cooper and Zoe Hughes from White Ribbon Australia, we explored the dynamics of coercive control in separation. As Dean shared, many victim survivors don’t identify what they’re experiencing as “abuse” – they simply feel trapped, overwhelmed or deeply afraid of the consequences of leaving.
Zoe is a passionate social worker and fierce advocate for children, families and victim survivors of domestic violence. As Coordinator of Counselling Services at Communicare, she says that coercive control is one of the most common indicators of family and domestic violence. She defines this as “any type of behaviour which scares, hurts, isolates, humiliates, or monitors someone.”
“If you feel that another person is taking away your freedom or unreasonably controlling you, then it’s fair to say that we could be in a family or domestic violent relationship,” she said.
“(Other) examples include being isolated from your friends and family, being controlled about what you can eat, what you can wear, or who you can spend time with. Preventing you from accessing support or work or education, gaslighting behaviours or monitoring behaviours. If there’s any of these behaviours that just don’t seem healthy, then that’s a good indication that something isn’t okay here.”
Arabella Feltham, a Separation Consultant with The Separation Guide said: “We often see people who are financially entangled, emotionally manipulated, or being worn down by threats and intimidation. They come to us not even knowing what they’re dealing with has a name — let alone that there’s help available.”
Recognising the red flags
If you’re considering separation and some of the behaviours above sound familiar, you’re not alone – and you’re not overreacting. Trust your gut. Abuse thrives in silence and confusion.
Ask yourself:
- Do I feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells?
- Do I have access to my own money, information and choices?
- Has my partner isolated me from friends, work or support?
- Am I scared of what might happen if I try to leave?
What you can do
If you’re experiencing coercive control or think you might be, here are some steps to take:
- Document behaviours safely: Keep notes in a secure place if it’s safe to do so.
- Reach out to a professional: Professionals who understand abuse dynamics can make a world of difference.
- Use tools designed to empower, not overwhelm: Our SepGuide™ Plan can help you map out safe next steps.
- Consider safe, private support apps like Dispute Buddy, available free with the code FREETSG until June 30, 2025
- Most importantly, if you feel unsafe, contact 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) — available 24/7.
Why this matters
Coercive control isn’t just “toxic behaviour.” It’s abuse. And when it goes unrecognised, it can escalate – emotionally, financially, and in some cases, fatally.
We launched the #ICareAboutConflict campaign to shine a light on these issues – and to get real, practical support into the hands of those who need it most.
If you or someone you know is navigating separation and unsure about what’s normal, what’s legal, or what’s safe – know this: There is a way forward. And you don’t have to figure it out alone.
Book a confidential consultation
The Separation Guide aims to reduce the cost, conflict and confusion of separation and divorce. To learn more about how one of our Network Members could support your separation, take our free three-minute Q&A.
Disclaimer
The information in our resources is general only. Consider getting in touch with a professional advisor if you need legal, financial or wellbeing support.
